I feel like I woke up yesterday and realized for the first time that I am going home.
And that that's happening in less than 30 days.
I spent the morning with my students, laughing and smiling and taking pictures, and barely holding back tears, realizing it would be the last time I enjoyed a morning like that with them.
It's crazy to think about September, when I was first getting to know my students. I remember thinking how scared I was of them, that they wouldn't like me, or that I wouldn't know how to teach them. I remember when teaching felt like hitting a brick wall with my head. My students probably felt the same way.
I remember when both of realized they were actually successfully learning English.
We've made each other cry.
Sometimes they make me really mad and I can't believe how bad they can be! Sometimes I am really hard on them and hold them to an exceptionally high standard that is a bit overwhelming. Or when I scold them for having a really bad class.
We've made each other laugh.
Sometimes there are just incredibly funny things that happen in class. Like when Miss Bethany uses her funny voice, or does a crazy dance, or pretends to fall on the floor in exasperation, or pretends to throw up when her students do gross things, or when she forgets how to speak English on purpose. (So her students can correct her, of course).
Or when Sydney pulls his pants all the way up to his armpits because it's so hot in the classroom, or when Emerson calls me Miss Pizza, (I don't laugh in front of him..) Or when Gloria hangs on to my waist and I drag her down the hallway calling me "Ma Ma!" all the way. Or that Garrett can't sing in his head voice to save his life. (I don't laugh at him, actually, but it's so sweet.)
We have learned how to love each other.
Believe it or not, it took a little while to figure out the personality of each class and what made them tick. It's been one of my favorite parts of teaching. I know what my students love, what gets them excited, what they think is boring, and what makes them feel successful.
They, in turn, have learned that Miss Bethany loves to get hugs and small gifts and drawings and loves when they sing the songs she has taught them. And she LOVES when they speak English outside of class that she teaches them!
(They have also learned that Miss Bethany does NOT enjoy getting vitamins from them. Yuck!)
I think, most of all, that my students know that I love them desperately. Sure, I *pretend to* get mad when they're naughty, but I know they know it's because I love them and want the best for them. (Don't tell them I'm just pretending!)
We have shared a year of life together, and will never be the same for it.
And it was yesterday when I finally let myself realize that I only have two classes left with each of them.
Miss Bethany's brain goes... CRAP!!!
And then I begin to run around in a panic and leave school to go get milk tea by myself, and then I realize that I only have 27 days of getting milk tea left, and then I come home to Team Dinner and realize that I only have one more of those, and then I go to my room and my roommate is talking about how much we've learned from each other, and I start bawling my eyes out.
Because I have to leave her.
The girl that was the hardest person I ever had to learn to love.
The person who struggled with my need for so much alone time for so long, and showed me seemingly unending grace and patience (it actually wasn't unending.. but it was pretty close) ;) and who also learned to love me in her own time.
Jenessa.
I can't bear that I have to leave you. That I'll never have "redemptive painting time", or "let's clean the house time", or "let's re-watch our favorite scene from that movie five times time", or "let's make egg fried rice at midnight time" after that crappy day in June when we get on our plane and fly home.
And I'm not in denial that the crappy day in June is coming anymore.
and so I am sad, and my heart hurts.
I can't bear to leave China.
I can't bear to say goodbye to my students.
I can't bear to leave my teachers, Skye, Emma, Ivy, Mandy, Lily, Evelyn.
I can't bear to leave Summer and Tina and Sarah and Paula and Nina, and even Greg and the English Camp, and BEN and Jin HONG, and Chris and Michael and Lebron... and there's so many more names it's a bit ridiculous to write them all here.
It's hard to believe how much love I have for them.
There's really no conclusion to this except that the realization of sadness is when healing begins.
(at least for me)
So right now (and after three hours of sobbing last night) my spirit is quiet and resting knowing that there is no possible way that I love ANY of these people even close to how much the Father loves them.
And He's got them in His hands.
